Do Your Best and Leave the Rest:

Parenting can be one of life's most rewarding and challenging experiences. When faced with the heartbreaking reality of parental alienation, or the pain of negative experiences of a child triangulated in parental conflict, resulting in your child refusing to want to be with you, talk to you, or even see you, it is essential to remember that while you may not be able to control the other parent's behaviour or your child’s actions or feelings towards you right now, you can control your own actions and reactions towards the situation.

This mantra, "Do your best and leave the rest," can be a powerful guiding principle for alienated parents seeking to maintain a positive connection with their children despite difficult circumstances.

It can also be a powerful tool to manage your own emotions when your child or children do not want to comply with your parenting time schedule with you.

A negative coping mechanism of a child, who gets dragged into parents' fights consciously or unconsciously, and takes sides with one parent against the other, or parental alienation, where one parent attempts to turn a child against the other parent, can be emotionally devastating. It's natural to want to fight against this injustice, but sometimes, the most powerful response is to focus on the aspects you can control – your actions and behaviours.

By doing your best to be a loving, consistent, and nurturing presence in your child's life, you are laying the foundation for a strong bond that can withstand external challenges.

As you navigate the complex world of children caught in the middle of their parental acrimony, keep these critical points in mind:

1. Prioritise Your Child's Well-being: Keep your child's best interests at the forefront of your mind. While you may feel hurt and frustrated by your child’s anger towards you or by the alienation tactics, your child's emotional health should always come first. Focus on providing a stable and loving environment when they are with you.

2. Stay Resilient: Resilience is the key to overcoming adversity. It's essential to acknowledge your feelings and seek support when needed, but also remember to bounce back and keep striving to be the best parent you can be. Your resilience can inspire your child to handle difficult situations as well.

3. Foster Open Communication: Keep the lines of communication open with your child. Please encourage them to express their feelings and listen attentively without judgment. Be patient, as it may take time for them to process their emotions. Maintain healthy communication with your child through appropriate methods like phone calls, voice notes, facetime, WhatsApp, and letters/postcards. Don't worry about what happens to your messages at the other parent's end. Do your best and leave the rest.

4. Lead by Example: Demonstrate the importance of respect, empathy, and understanding through your actions. By modelling these qualities, you show your child the value of healthy relationships, even in challenging circumstances. This means mastering how to manage your own emotions so that your feelings do not manage you. Learn to respond to situations rather than reacting to triggers that can lead to escalation.

5. Seek Professional Help: If you believe the situation warrants it, consult with professionals who specialise in parental alienation. Therapists, counsellors, parental conflict coaching and, at the last resort, family lawyers who can offer valuable guidance and support.

6. Focus on the Long Term: Remember that your relationship with your child is a lifelong journey. While the current situation may be difficult, things can change over time. Continue doing your best, and your child will eventually see the love and care you've consistently provided.

7. Take full responsibility for your actions: if you believe the other parent is responsible, you expect the other parent to fix it. Taking full responsibility means you must send 'blame' out of the equation and let go of your feelings towards the other parent’s actions that could have created the challenges in the first place. I know. It’s easier said than done. But, regardless of the current situation, be aware of the part you have also played and accept that your choices in the past have also contributed to where you are today, good or bad, including the ‘choice’ to have a relationship and have a child or children and be grateful for that beautiful gift of life that came out of that relationship.

If you constantly think the other parent is to blame, you will expect the other parent to make it right. Taking full responsibility means you would avoid placing blame even if the opposite is apparent. You would do your best to have and maintain a healthy relationship with your child regardless of what the other parent may or may not be doing.

In the face of adversity of acrimonious relationships and parental alienation, "Do your best and leave the rest" is a mantra that empowers you to maintain your positive impact on your child's life. By focusing on what you can control – your own actions, emotions, and love – you're laying the foundation for a stronger, healthier parent-child relationship, even in the face of adversity.